


I've Got 99 Problems and This Magic Ring is Some of Them

by thehaikubandit



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Humour, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-24
Updated: 2015-07-24
Packaged: 2018-04-10 23:54:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4412873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thehaikubandit/pseuds/thehaikubandit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is what happens when I decide to write birthday songfic for friends. They get a list instead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I've Got 99 Problems and This Magic Ring is Some of Them

1\. All your jewellery attracting stabby ghosts  
2\. All your jewellery attracting evil frogs  
3\. Low hanging light fixtures  
4\. Watching your mortal friends die  
5\. Waiting until 33 to be an adult  
6\. Relatives with designs on your spoons  
7\. Grocery shopping for Hobbit appetites  
8\. Balrogs. Just balrogs.  
9\. Working as an optometrist is very risky  
10\. Sinister music announcing you and ruining your sneaky evil  
11\. Hobbits stealing your jewellery  
12\. Hobbits stealing your gold  
13\. Hobbits stealing your vegetables  
14\. Hobbits stealing your pipe-weed  
15\. Tom Bombadil’s singing  
16\. You thought Australian spiders were big...  
17\. When orcs force you to flee your home  
18\. When Uruk-hai force you to flee your home  
19\. When a dragon forces you to flee your home  
20\. When dwarves force you to flee your home for an adventure  
21\. When a dragon forces you to flee your home. Again.  
22\. When your wizard leaves for no apparent reason  
23\. When your boat to the West has a dwarf on it  
24\. When you catch a beard off a dwarf  
25\. You might be related to Denethor  
26\. When goblins kill all your friends  
27\. Low job options outside of smithing for dwarves  
28\. Low job options outside of singing in trees for elves  
29\. It’s hard to do your hair in a vision showing mirror  
30\. It’s hard to navigate a bog  
31\. All your elf friends are too pretty  
32\. All your dwarf friends are too Scottish  
33\. All your hobbit friends eat you out of house and home  
34\. All your human friends are dead  
35\. Your wizard friend can be a real jerk sometimes  
36\. The eagle shit flattens houses  
37\. Graffiti in Mordor is a killer  
38\. Trees get very annoyed about being cut down  
39\. It’s hard to be a lumberjack  
40\. When hobbits drop things in your well and then set a wizard on you  
41\. The amount you spend on alcohol for elvish visitors  
42\. The amount you spend on food for hobbit visitors  
43\. The amount you spend on pipe-weed for wizard visitors  
44\. The amount you spend on fire extinguishers for when Sauron visits  
45\. Picking up something only to discover it was made by elves  
46\. Hobbits ruining your comb-over  
47\. Working as an orcish tracker with a delicate nose  
48\. Having to carry the belongings of your elf friends who are too cool for backpacks  
49\. Being allergic to horses in Rohan  
50\. Confusing Eowyn and Eomer  
51\. Setting up a tree house on an ent by mistake  
52\. Having useless minions, even when you give them pterodactyls to ride  
53\. Cleaning up after a party in Rohan  
54\. When everyone but you speaks Elvish  
55\. When everyone but you speaks Dwarvish  
56\. Everyone and everything has 50 different names  
57\. It’s all monarchies  
58\. Your king is really pretty but also really grumpy  
59\. Your queen is really pretty but FUCKING TERRIFYING PLEASE GO BACK TO YOUR NORMAL COLOUR SCHEME  
60\. When your son brings home an elf  
61\. When your son brings home a dwarf  
62\. When your daughter brings home a human  
63\. Forgetting your friend’s parents names when introducing them  
64\. Riding down 45 degree slopes  
65\. When ents flood your basement  
66\. People always steal your birthday presents  
67\. Being a vegetarian  
68\. All you have to eat is Lembas on long car trips  
69\. Dropping your phone in Mount Doom  
70\. Working as a guard in Minas Tirith  
71\. To bleach your clothes you have to plummet to certain death in flames  
72\. The lack of handrails on stairs  
73\. When a Nazgul eats your horse  
74\. It’s bad if you are no good at riddles  
75\. Having to sing for Denethor’s supper  
76\. Having to disguise yourself to fight  
77\. Being Faramir  
78\. When some bastard kills your elk  
79\. When your dad is more fabulous than you  
80\. Being Elrond  
81\. Worrying that your money may summon a dragon  
82\. Your money actually summoning a dragon  
83\. Living on a lake but still having your house catch fire  
84\. Trying to talk sense into dwarves  
85\. Not being able to count armies properly  
86\. Working the day shift as a troll  
87\. Not being the pretty dwarf  
88\. Having to give up your precious  
89\. Being suspicious about your new friendship ring from Sauron  
90\. Elves making stupid faces in the background  
91\. When you accidentally get drunk and some dwarves escape  
92\. Having to look after Frodo with his zero survival instincts  
93\. There are only three ways to eat potatoes  
94\. Having to climb a mountain every time Gondor asks for aid  
95\. Nearly drowning in a river and then having an elf question your fashion choices  
96\. Being a mighty warrior and yet being tackled and defeated by two hobbits  
97\. Not realising an important loophole in prophecies about your doom  
98\. Your broken sword takes a very long time to be repaired  
99\. All the hidden sheep (I mean it is New Zealand)


End file.
